The Dark Continent of Africa for Stage 3 offered an
opportunity for technical advancement in adventure motorcycling gear and
equipment, possibly changing gear from what the two entrants had used on Stages 1
and 2. Trolling the internet found
several motorcycle accessory suppliers, manufacturers, and consultants willing
to design a motorcycle helmet specifically for Africa. The result of numerous
reviews of opinions from self-described adventure motorcycling experts,
including two self-described "world’s foremost adventure motorcyclists” and months of
motorcycling research was the SAFARITOURO helmet pictured above.
Lighting far and above that of the motorcycle was built into
the SAFARITOURO to reflect the multitude of photographs of African animals
published and described in Africa trip reports.
The helmet designers felt the extra lighting was needed to prevent the
wearer from hitting an animal standing on an African road at night. To insure the lighting was bright enough to
show an elephant or giraffe at 300 meters, both side mounted lights on the
helmet were 220 volts. The top “bullet
sized” light is a pencil beam that focused a 12 volt spot on the road 100
meters ahead. The bullet beam was to blind or disorient snakes so they could
not target a strike at the motorcyclist as they passed over or around the
deadly serpents.
To both video and audio record adventure moments, a smart
phone is attached to the top of the helmet with not only its own internal
battery, but also electrical feed from a portable charger affixed to the back
of the helmet. Voice activation can turn On or Off several other apps on the
smart phone, thereby replacing the need for cameras or a GPS.
The yellow ball on the helmet is a GPS unit that sends and
receives signals so the rider’s support team can monitor where the adventurist
is at all times, a safety device that is sun powered. At night it receives its power from the
helmets portable charger.
The blue unit on the opposite side of the helmet is a unique
electronic device designed to detect untruthful audio inputs by measuring tonal
levels while verifying facts through the smart phone. This was felt as needed to supply data to
argue against claims by officials of not stopping for Stop signs, excessive
speeds and false directions or motorcycle adventure information given by
unsavory or untruthful characters. The
unit was dubbed the “BD1” by the design team, reportedly an acronym for
Bollocks Detector #1, and was reportedly successfully tested during recent
political campaigns using 12 different languages.
When the designers of the helmet presented it to Dr. G just
days before the start of Stage 3 of the rally he only said three words, “WTF?”
before the two person design team thought there might be something amiss.
After studying the SAFARITOURO helmet for a minute, he
slowly asked, “How am I supposed to get 220 volts to this thing?”
The team leader said, “From the extension cord plugged into
the back leading to the truck following you.
The truck has a 220 volt power unit running off the engine, and we are
even supplying you with 100 meters of electric extension cable.”
Dr. G tried to remain calm, and then asked, “And what if I
just don’t happen to have planned for a support vehicle to be following me for
the 7,000-10,000 kilometers I’ll be doing in Africa?”
Design team member #2 piped up, “Not a problem, merely add a
running gasoline 220 volt generator strapped on the rear of your motorcycle and
plug into it.”
Dr. G reminds himself that Buddha taught, “Be cool,” as in
do not lose face by going bat-shit crazy when dealing with fools.
As he tried to be calm, he said, as his voice slowly became
elevated, “Ahhh, I see where you two have have come from……you boyo from the
planet Mars, and your partner there from the planet Venus. And while you’ve been doing all this
electrical and digital designing for the helmet, did you ever think to ask me
why I would need so much light since only a fool would ride a motorcycle in
Africa at night, or did you just think I am a fool? And did either of you two ever think to factor
in gravity, like how in the name of professional adventure motorcycling could
anyone, including The Terminator, keep this 30 kilogram helmet upright? Maybe you two don’t have air up there on your
planets but at 5 kilometers per hour down here on planet Earth the air
resistance would be trying to rip my head off.”
The team leader started to cry. While team member # 2 looked
at his sobbing partner he mumbled, “Does this mean you’re not going to wear
it?”
Dr. G looked down at his boots for a moment and then shook
his head in amazement. He then looked skyward for several more seconds, before
saying, “You two claim, pimp and promote yourselves at BMW shops and motorcycle
shows as being the world’s foremost adventure motorcyclists. If you and your
dream company ToRideTheWorld can get me, my motorcycle and this electronic boat
anchor SAFARI f****** TOUR O ho-ho-ho helmet to the moon with some oxygen, I’ll
wear it. If not, I’m going to have to
borrow the words of a famous American television personality who has recently
taken his business and marketing acumen successfully into the political world
and say, “You’re fired!”
Manning up to his mistake of believing the published and
internet claims of ToRideTheWorld, Dr. G started begging a number of his
moto-journalist and adventure motorcycle acquaintances around the world for
advice about what was the best motorcycle helmet he could secure for The Dark
Continent and Stage 3. Days before the Grand Rally Soft Butt Master in Cape Town
started handing out the sealed envelopes with the Stage 3 documents, the helmet
pictured below arrived, a Nolan N44EVO.
Having happily used a similar helmet from the same company
before, Dr. G posted a humble “Thank you!” to his global advisors with an added
footnote that read, “While my doppelganger Ozzy Osbourne is rumored to have recently
checked himself into a sexual addiction rehabilitation program, I should be
checking myself into a Motorcycle Reality Institute for a course in “If It
Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It,” and “Don’t Believe Internet Fake News Or
Self-Aggrandizement Claims Of Motorcycle Adventure Superiority.”
[Publisher’s Note: This post is a work of part fiction and satire, authored for educational and entertainment purposes only, based on some published facts and claims. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental, with the exception of “Dr. G” and “Ozzy Osbourne”. The image of the Nolan motorcycle helmet, model N44EVO, is real, as are references related to it.]